Where ever you go, there you are.

Jason's names day treat from Monday night - St. Jason of the Seventy

Last night we went to our church's Theophany service. I love that service but, boy was it long, and downright painful for the kids. We rushed out to get back home, get the littles to bed, and curl up on the couch to watch an All Creatures Great and Small episode (an old BBC show that is free to rent at the library). Jason and I are hooked. Just like so many evenings together, I merrily nodded off into dreamland, my head resting on his shoulder. He gently nudged me to wake me up to finish the show. I pretended to not have been asleep but he new me better. I got to bed, changed Phillip's diaper, because I didn't change it before we left church and I didn't want to wake up with wet sheets, plus I get mom guilt hard over unchanged diapers. He cried while I fumbled with his jammies and diaper, but went right back to sleep as soon as I laid down with him, nursing. I felt full of love for my family. I thought about what a difference one year makes.

It was a tough year. Not terrible, not devastating, but stretching and challenging.

We welcomed a new baby who is such a joy we can barely stand it. Phillip is anxious to keep up with his older siblings and follows them around every where. He eats anything you put in front of him, and loves to tease me by putting rocks in his mouth, and smiling his impish grin and then crawling away at lightning speed. He loves us. He loves me because I'm his momma, he loves Jason because he's his daddy, with a beard to play with. Jason makes Phillip laugh by spinning him around and tickling his belly. Phillip loves Hannah because she's like a second mother, always doting on him, saying hello in a high pitched voice, picking him every chance she gets, and feeding him bits of O shaped cereal. He loves James because they are brothers. They seem to have some kind of foreknowledge that they will be each other's best friends, they will get into trouble together, will physically hurt each other wrestling in the living room (but not too badly) and even one day have the pleasure of watching each other's own boys do the same. A mama can hope - if the Lord wills.

James has been a hand full of love and frustration. He's so fun-loving, energetic, and wild. He's two. Two year olds are good at being one thing for a moment, and then without warning morphing into something else completely. He can be my most comforting, huggable, lovey dovey boy who tells me sweet nothings in my ear, and then suddenly becomes vexed and belligerent. He throws things when he's mad. Or drops them. Things like toy cars, rocks, plates, spoons, cups, anything really. I know he won't do this forever. We're working on verbalizing our frustrations and not freaking out when mom or dad say no to a request. I'm nearly thirty and I still don't appreciate being told no. He talks quite a bit, it's often surprising. I like to copy him and talk just like him because it's adorable. Today I said to him, "Great Scot, it's hot out here." And then he said, "Drate Stot!? I don't ike Drate Stot. Drate Stot MEAN." OK. I'll never bring Drate Stot up again in your presence.

I've really been enjoying Hannah lately. Age four was hard. We argued and cried. We bugged each other. But when she turned five, I feel like we turned a corner and understand each other better. I really appreciate her and what a sweet soul she has. She's very giving, sensitive, and has the silliest sense of humor. She's been so helpful this year, always willing to do anything for her baby brother, and some things for her other little brother. She's gained more control over her emotions lately as well. We went through a period of her being very easily offended when wounded by others whether done on purpose or accident. It would be excruciating for her to forgive and move on. It's still sometimes tough, but I've been proud of her improvement. It's been wonderful watching her make friends at church, or with other home school kids - she has found herself kindred spirits that love to imagine things to play like being ponies or princesses, and I often hear them coming up with plays to produce and perform at the park. She always seems to be scheming away with experiments and plans to open a store. I hope she'll always be so enterprising! She enjoys reading, has a passion for dressing up, lives for making cards and drawings to give as gifts, and loves to sing. She fills our days with lots of cuddles, love, and plenty of annoying five year old hallmarks, like: Asking what you're doing. What are you reading? What did she say? Who are you talking to? What are we doing today? What about tomorrow? What;s you're favorite color? What does that important financial document say? (Just kidding on that last one.)

Jason has been busy at work, thank God. The job he is on now has had him welding quite a bit, which I think he has liked, despite it being on the slightly monotonous side. It's been good for him to work on one of his skills that he has not used in a long time. He'll occasionally show me some pictures of his work, which always involve him being high up on a roof of some enormous building or on a scaffold, which gives me the heeby jeebies to look at. I try not to think about it too much, truthfully. I'm grateful he's got a good job that supports us, and allows me to stay home with our babies. He's a big fan of cigar smoking, smoking meats, and has begun to brew his own beer. If he's outside amongst plumes of smoke and holding a glass of ale, I know he's happy. And that makes me happy too.

Most of the frustration of last year had everything to do with our house, our mortgage loan, and not knowing what to do. I've mentioned here before that we bought our house at nearly the highest peak of the market with a really crappy loan. We were stupid and it sucks. I have potty trained my second child in a one bathroom house. Don't ask me if anyone has had to go potty in a bucket outside. Please. We've been financially uncomfortable with a mortgage payment that would never be comfortable for about five years. We tried our hardest to implore our bank to fix our rate to a 30 year loan so we could simply add on to our teeny house, maybe adding one extra bedroom to make it a little bit more comfortable for our growing family. The bank did not care. It's been a nightmare/roller coaster/poopfest with regard to our house. For now, we are trying to short sale, and are saving our money to get the heck outta dodge. I'm so over this place, I don't care if it forecloses and our credit is jacked for years to come. My new years resolution is to move out of this money pit house. I'm really looking forward to having a little more room, a smaller cost of living, being closer to our church, and an extra toilet (or two!).

All that being typed, I learned to chill last year. There is no point in freaking out about circumstances I have no control over. With a third baby, I slowed down, re-evaluated, and became more realistic. Prioritizing was key. With our house situation I made the best of it. I even resigned to staying in this place as-is, indefinitely, until Jason said enough was enough. More awful things have happened than my silly worries. I am not my things. I am not my house. I am my husband's wife and my kid's mom. And the love, and the always laughing, and the hugs, and the admitting I'm a sinner (the chief sinner), the meals, the laundry, the wiping of all things. No matter where we live I am blessed, and have the ability to give thanks or I can whine and moan. I hope I give thanks, but I'm sure I will find something to complain about. I'm an expert.

Lord help us, save us, and have mercy on us. Keep us O God by thy grace!

Here are 5 things I resolve to do or not do in 2010:

1. Not live here.

2. Make our own sandwich bread.

3. Not dye my hair...hello grays!

4. Figure out a better morning routine.

5. Mop more often. I hate to mop. But I hate icky sticky floors too. I've gotta make a choice here.

Hope you have a happy 2010! God bless you!